The House of Black and White is horrible and spooky and did I mention horrible
Watching men drink water willingly then die moments later, getting hit by a stick by that Welsh girl from Fresh Meat, spending hours sweeping up perfectly clean floors, Arya has gone straight from Westeros to The House of Black and White where literally NOTHING MAKES SENSE.
If I was her I’d be on the first boat back to Westeros to find Brienne but Arya is nothing but determined and becoming a Faceless Man will help her cross some names off that kill list she’s might have mentioned once or twice. Even if it means washing a couple of dead bodies in the process which wasn't freaky or disturbing at all...
Margaery is finally Queen
Margaery Tyrell has done so, so well for herself. Upgrading from the prostitute murderer Joffrey to “the sweetest King who ever lived” Tommen has to be a blessed relief, especially after they have sex and she is officially the Queen, something she's been after since season two and was married to a gay guy.
Now she has used her wily womanly charms and wrapped Tommen wrapped round her smug little finger, she’s also manipulated him to convince Cersei to go back to Casterly Rock and absolutely OWNED the new Queen Mother in the ultimate passive aggressive showdown:
“Can we bring you anything to eat or drink? I wish we had some wine for you it’s a little early in the day for us.”
OOOO Cersei. Get some cream for that wildfire of a BURN.
Moat Cailin and the Boltons are just as horrific as ever, Theon is still poor pathetic Reek and everything is generally just dark and horrible in the North. However, with Tywin gone, the Boltons now have to make new allies or risk losing control and having the North turn on them, especially after that one time Roose Bolton stabbed their King, and had his wife, their unborn child and his direwolf killed with him. It looks like Ramsay, who beats even Joffrey in terms of being an evil, sadistic sh*t, must marry, and who is his bride?
Only SANSA. Not even the book readers saw that one coming (trust me)! Since we have seen Ramsay literally hunt a girl with dogs, dismember Theon then eat a bloody SAUSAGE in front of him and flay anyone who disagrees with him, it’s fair to say I am TERRIFIED about what’s going to happen here.
She might have charmed her way through her captivity in King's Landing, but can Sansa handle flat out sadism? I'm very concerned. This is why you should never have left Tyrion, S.
“Nothing’s more hateful than being unable to protect the one you love.”
Brienne tells Pod of her plan to kill Stannis Baratheon as he killed her beloved Renly, who we find out she loved because he saved her from humiliation when they were teenagers.
Since we adore Brienne and The Mannis, that is one inevitable fight scene we need to tune in for. GET HYPE.
ARYA DON’T YOU DARE SINK NEEDLE
Arya throwing Needle in the sea would have been almost as tragic as the Red Wedding (not even being dramatic). That sword is all she has left from her family, her only connection to her brother Jon Snow, and it's also a part of who she is. Just think about how much she's gone through with that sword! Just think how satisfying it was when she stuck it into that guy's throat then polished off a chicken with the Hound!
We’re so relieved that she chose to hide it rather than throw it in the river with some money and the rags she’s been wearing for 4+ seasons. A girl must have a sword.
Jon Snow just got real
Refusing Stannis, training up Ollie as his steward, chopping off Janos Slynt’s horrible head after he refused to obey orders, yep. Jon Snow is absolutely destroying it at the moment.
The Sparrows are much scarier than their ridiculous name suggests
EW close-up vagina shot alert. When the supposedly most religious man in town The High Septon spends most of his time playing weird pseudo-religious sex games in the brothel, it stands to reason he is going to be found out and the fanatical religious order of the Sparrows does not let his creepy sexual fantasies go unpunished.
After complaining to the Small Council, Cersei seeks out the High Sparrow, the head of the religious order. She immediately likes and sides with him, probably because he has the kindest face I have ever seen in my life. I'm guessing she also has an ulterior motive. Anyone care to guess what that could be?
Qyburn is Dr Frankenstein
As well as becoming Cersei’s closest confidante, sending messages to Littlefinger and sitting on the Small Council, Qyburn still has The Mountain shuddering around in his chambers and it is HORRIFYING.
SER JORAH! SER JORAH! IT’S SER JORAH!
Tyrion is being quite insufferable at the moment. He better cheer up soon because it’s never fun when the wittiest, most likeable character turns bitter and nihilistic.
After nipping outside of a travelling box after spending weeks on end with only Varys and worrying he is losing his mind, the pair visit a brothel only to run into who? ONLY SER JORAH OF SEXY VELVET VOICE ISLAND, who promptly kidnaps him to take to the Queen. I’m hoping they make friends, because let’s face it, Tyrion needs a new bromance and Jorah needs to vent.
Do you think Jorah did the dirty with the Khaleesi prostitute?
Who was that strange Red Priestess and why did she have her eye on Tyrion?
Is Jon Snow doing a bang up job so far?
Do you think Sansa will do a Red Wedding on the Boltons with the help of that one handmaiden? #THENORTHREMEMBERS
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This review was written by Emmy Griffiths. Tweet her @emmyfg!