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Why Giving Your Partner An Ultimatum To Save Your Relationship Will Never Work

Dagney Pruner
by Dagney Pruner Published on April 29, 2015

You may have heard that Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose are thinking about getting back together, although they both have pretty serious ultimatums before they're willing to give each other a second chance. Hearing these two duke it out makes one wonder, are ultimatums actually a solution to making a broken relationship work? Some personal experience and the fact that most people HATE change tells me it's a no.

No relationship is perfect, there are always thing you want to change in your partner. But for scorned lovers like Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose, they want a little more than some slight change to make their broken marriage work. As you may remember, Wiz Khalifa was caught in bed with twins while still married to Amber Rose, which as you can imagine can cause quite the rift in a relationship. Despite what I'm going to diplomatically call Wiz's minor indiscretion also known as "Twingate," Amber Rose has continued to speak highly of Wiz Khalifa in the press and often talks about how much she misses him, making her a bigger person than I shall ever be.

What's holding Wiz back from going back to the woman that has managed to keep her mouth shut about finding the father of her child in bed with Thing 1 and Thing 2? According to sources, Wiz won't get back together with Amber until she agrees to stop being such an instigator of drama and driving a rift between Kanye West and himself on social media. Now I've never personally met Amber Rose, although she looks hella fun (Amber, call me if you ever wanna party girl), I can say that she is the type of person who likes speaking her mind and does not like being told what to do.

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So here we are, at the proverbial fork in the road, with Wiz and his cheating ways on one side and Amber and her loud mouth on the other. It's not wrong to want your partner to be better, to do better, but, people don't change in any way that truly matters. When we get into a relationship, we know that are certain things that aren't ideal about our partner. We may know that they like threesomes and don't have a great track record when it comes to being a woman type of guy. We know that they are hot headed and get in Twitter wars because they refuse to back down. So why are we so shocked when our partners act like the exact type of humans we know them to be once the relationship is official? Even though it can be a great confidence booster to be THAT girl who was so great she was worth changing for, that's not a healthy relationship to aspire to.

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This is why ultimatums inherently do not work when it comes to relationships. If you give somebody an ultimatum like "start putting the toilet seat down or you aren't getting laid for a fortnight," sure, that has a shot of working because you're not trying to change your partner's innate character, you're recommending they kick down a toilet seat after they tinkle and give two shakes. People who enjoy the thrill of cheating or who don't like the normalcy of monogamy aren't just going to will themselves to like it because you guys have great chemistry. Girls who have spent decades having to stand up for themselves aren't just going to all of a sudden start holding their tongue because you like it better that way.

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I wish somebody had given me a light slap on the face before I gave my ex boyfriend his 19th chance in our relationship and reminded me that I KNEW what type of guy he was when we first started dating. That even though I loved him with all of my twenty-something heart, that deep down, I KNEW he would always be that person. That he would always like going out till the wee hours with his boys and forget to call me. That he would always stay in touch with his ex girlfriends and lie about it. For us, love wasn't enough, there were too many things about each other that we could never accept, things that made a healthy relationship impossible. No ultimatums in the world could have made us work, and even if they did temporarily, he would always resent me for trying to change him and then constantly holding it over his head every time he fell short. Most importantly, all the ultimatums in the world would have never made us happy. Our relationship became more compromise than love, it just got too hard.

So if your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend or kind-of husband likes drinking too much, putting work first, or likes having one hand in yours and using the other texting his ex, he will ALWAYS be that person. So when you give him an ultimatum to ban any of these behaviors and give him an attempt to prove his love, at the end of the day, it will always fail. We should love people for who they are, flaws in all. If the relationship is worth it, if it can really work, you will find ways to compromise, forgive, and build strategies so that your partner's flaws become speed bumps, not road blocks worthy of giving ultimatums.

Love is not enough, ultimatums may not work, but with acceptance, compassion, and hard work, a relationship can be everything. So best of luck to Wiz and Amber, they seem to have a lot of love for each other and their son, so let's hope they stop digging in their heels requiring each other to change and start learning to forgive each other for their shortcomings.

Do you think ultimatums work in relationships? Tweet at us! @wewomenUSA

This article was written by Dagney Pruner. Follow her on Twitter @dagneyp

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